I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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