On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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