It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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