no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
