just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
