He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
