Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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