wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
