I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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