I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
