The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
