Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
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