I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
