I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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