Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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