Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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