i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
