He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
