I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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