woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
