Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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