areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
please don't ironically join a cult
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