i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
