Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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