the condom got lost in my hair
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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