I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
