Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
