I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
