Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
