After last night, I could never be a politician.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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