remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
My balls are so social today.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
