I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
