i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
