I wish I only lived at night.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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