you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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