I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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