I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
