she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
