Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
