i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
