i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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