Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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