how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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