Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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