I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
