my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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