I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
