i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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