i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
