And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
my liver is dry heaving
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
